Hello Buster
by Dark Sadistic Angel
Summary: 1x2 Preventer Timeline. Duo is six-foot, Heero is nine-foot. Duo is xx inches, Heero is xx inches. Duo worries about having a small one, Heero worries about having a big one. Sally is a Pole Dancer and Wufei a DJ undercover. Sally&5 & 3x4x3. Dirty humour.


Disclaimers apply. Warnings: Squick, 1x2, 1xR, 3x4, Sally&5, Var.

**Hello Buster  
**

By Dark Sadistic Angel

Heero had grown up a lot. Around his approximate nineteenth birthday, the brown hair agent had shot up until he reached the nine foot mark. He also broadened in shoulder width and muscular thickness until he wasn't quite thin, although he wasn't big and wide as some burlier agents. In brief, he still looked like a fucking wet dream, only larger in size. It gave Zechs, whenever the other agent was around, a faint look of irritation whenever he had to look up to Heero- as he was affronted by it. He got the same look when he had to look up to Trowa, who also ended being nearly as tall as Heero. Alas for Wufei and himself, they ended up both equal in height to Zechs, so Duo was disappointed to not being able to provoke the glare from the agent. Of course, Duo could easily succeed in provoking Zechs in other ways, which was why the agent generally worked in a different region from the former Gundam pilots who were all based at headquarters. Except for Quatre, who didn't become a Preventer but instead was busy overseeing Colony constructions in not only the L4 sector but at other Lagrange points as well. Quatre, unlike the rest of them too, didn't breach the manly six foot mark- he was a shade under it and would have earned himself the nickname "the little one" if it weren't for the fact that the first time someone dared to use it- namely Duo himself- that... Duo still didn't want to remember it.

It was sufficient to say that when he overheard Trowa murmur the phrase to Quatre during one of their informal reunion gatherings- held whenever Quatre was dirtside- that Duo had visible whitened in fear for Trowa when Quatre physically dragged the much taller man away from the bar they were in. Unable to prevent in time the two from disappearing out the door, Duo rounded up a puzzled Wufei and Heero for reinforcement- only to be unable to find out Quatre and Trowa out on the street as they literally seemed to have vanished. The next day had been a working day, so both Wufei and Heero were not impressed when Trowa had shown up at the office not only alive and well- but in a very oddly pleased and pleasant mood. Duo got thawked hard on the head by two irritated and sleep deprived agents before the two moved off to other business within the building. Left on his own with a massive headache, Duo had muttered a curse about the "the little one" and the phrase was overhead by Trowa. The tall, normally poker-faced agent turned to Duo and... there were no other words to describe it- Trowa leered at him before straightening and turning away, humming an odd circus melody. That had scared the shit out of him. Trowa had always been more of a close friend to Heero and Wufei than Duo, and since then, it confirmed he didn't know what the fuck was going in Trowa's perverted head.

Not that he wasn't that much perverted himself. Duo had a massive collection of erotica and porn. It was divided into three categories. One category was his underwear fetish where male models and pornstars wore a wide and varied collection of underwear- boxer pants, briefs, trunks, hipsters, jockstraps and thongs- and also designer underwear with a variety of buckles, studs and straps. Another category was simply put- huge penises. He liked his pornstars hung! He loved the various actions the hugely endowed pornstars could perform with their gigantic penises and it made him stiffen in hardness when he looked at how the damn human male pythons twist and turn in horrific karma sutra- specialist porn poses that nobody normal could possibly do.

His penis was unfortunately, not that big. It was half an inch less than six when erected and when flaccid, well, he'd never measured it in that state as he wanted to retain some pride. Well, there was that one time- well, a few times after the war when he became convinced he was going to grow a monster. According to Quatre who had picked him off the floor of the various pubs he ended up on after a drinking binge that thankfully wiped the pitiful results from his mind- he became quite a tearful monster instead. As such, he was reduces to admiring those of others. He liked to ogle ones that were bigger than his and fantasise- with dildo in hand- being slammed by such a fucker. He'd never been lucky enough in his selection of dates- or rather- one night stands to go beyond a seven incher. The seven incher he'd retained beyond a mere one night stand- until the guy in question had confessed he wanted to be a woman and left to have surgery and begin a new life in an undisclosed country. Duo bemoaned the loss of great sex by surfacing the internet to find images and media combining both his fetishes- hugely hung men in great underwear. Although Duo knew he was very popular and envied by a lot of people, the truth was he led a sadder private life than Wufei.

He wanked himself a lot. And often. Alone.

And what was even sadder was that he could not claim to be a "big" wanker, just a regular one. Okay, he was a little bit... hung up on his size. No... fuck shit, he'd even Photoshoped the damn thing in his private photos. Photos he burnt afterwards. They had depressed him.

Meanwhile, Wufei generally had a stream of delicious, delicate looking and very thin full-blooded Asian Earthian girls. Not just Chinese, but Malaysian, Vietnamese, Korean... etcetera, coming in and out from his life. The out phase was generally hilarious- with always Wufei emerging from his office with a reddened face because the exiting woman in question had slapped him hard before storming out. Duo had developed a psychic instinct for knowing when such times were coming, and usually camped out with Sally- who would rush up on his call from her doctor's office. They would huddle down at a free section just outside Wufei's office to watch the show go down. Wufei would glare at him and Sally each time and swear at them both in Chinese- most of it going over Duo's head as he smirked at Wufei but Sally would give Wufei back a verbal lashing back in Chinese that resulted in the agent ending up unable to stutter anything but the word "woman!" in anger before he would retreat and lock himself in his office.

Sally, despite her golden blond hair and pale skin- was partially Chinese and that showed not only in the slant of her eyes but her fluency in Chinese. The down side of the routine was that Wufei always needed to be taken out after each breakup and gotten drunk. It was a duty all of the pilots took turns with- even Quatre. There was a monthly roster that took in account the times Quatre was Earthside and assigned him the duty then. Quatre generally bribed or black-mailed Duo to babysit Wufei on his turns however- as the Winner Enterprise head claimed his nights on Earth were extremely busy, which meant Duo grew very familiar with how Wufei operated.

Once drunk, Wufei would start cursing woman in general initially before lapsing in a sorrowful and self-piteous mood when he was far gone enough to babble nonsensical things about dogs, cats, cooking, cleaning, kitchen duties, taking out the garbage and trying to be a real man with a proper subservient wife to honour his ancestors. Generally, when he started to talk about spanking toys, chains, handcuffs- and the subject that most squicked him because he was a gay male- blond hair vaginas versus black hair vaginas, Wufei would be guaranteed to be far gone enough to soon fall into unconsciousness and be ready to be taken back to his bachelor's apartment to sleep everything off. The next day, Wufei would be sharp-eyed and completely back to normal- ready to chase the next available sexy and feminine full-blood Asian female to be his fiancee. Duo would feel like hell warmed over because of lack of sleep and unforgivingly surly as a hornet's nest.

He didn't quite get why Wufei was so blind to the fact he was head over in heals in love with Sally yet in extreme denial of it. If he wanted to go and look at Sally's snatch, why didn't he? For crying out loud, it wasn't like she wasn't interested too or had a boyfriend.  
It seemed sometimes, to Duo, that it really was only Heero that ended up with the perfect sex life- as benefiting the Perfect Soldier nickname he was given. Since the Eve Wars, Heero and Relena had been formally a couple and going steady. It wasn't too surprising for Duo- since the bitch- pardon him- Relena had been single-minded in chasing Heero even during the war- never mind any incidentally bullets or missiles around that may have been floating by. Not that he wasn't bitter about it.

Not much.

Shit, it wasn't like he ever had any claim to Heero. They were friends. Not even best friends. That title was probably reserved by Heero for both Trowa and Wufei as he spent the most personal time with them, and Duo's own best friend was Quatre- although that relationship still didn't stop the blond putting him in hospital that one time when he observed how short Quatre was compared to all of them. They were in the hallway now- despite Relena not being a Preventer, she often regularly visited Une on political matters- woman's gossip, and generally stopped by Heero's office on the return. The sight of two very perfect and beautiful looking individuals staring quietly into each other's eyes was a familiar love scene that played out in the Preventers hallway and generally caused gasps and lovelorn sighs from all passing by save for Duo. The scene generally made him queasy and sick- like the time he ate all his Valentine chocolates in one session and afterwards, completely lost his sweet tooth permanently along with his stomach contents.

Duo absently noticed the vast height difference between Heero's nine foot and the former queen of the world, Relena's short five foot. It gave him a crick in his neck- and he was only six foot- to look down at Relena's tiny little figure, and he wondered how Heero could smile down her so effortlessly without encountering severe pain due to spinal dislodgement. Then again, Heero still wasn't very readable so that curve on his lips could be a grimace of pain?

He walked past the two with a nod and as per usual, the two ignored him- as they were too wrapped up into whatever silent communication they were conveying to each other with Heero's large hands sprayed over Relena's thin waist that they overlapped and- his bile was coming up! Duo knew he should not have had gotten a chocolate bar for breakfast. The fact was, he was truly now allergic to sweets and sugar. Especially when reminded of the very intolerable situation that sent him determinately on his way to barf point on Valentine's Day. He ducked inside his office and grabbed a tissue from his desk to spit out the chuck in his mouth in. With a flick of his wrist, he threw both the remaining bar and used tissue into the garbage can. Damn Relena. Damn Heero. He fumed as he sat down at his desk.

About fifteen or twenty minutes later, Heero opened his office door without knocking and sat down in the custom-made chair Duo had permanently reserved for him. It was to the furthest right side of chairs he left for anyone who visited his office. The other agent didn't care that he sat perched on a white chair made to look like a toilet. The other spare seats were also toilet sculpted chairs scattered randomly in an otherwise typical office layout. Some had even paper work resting on them. The one advantage it gave him was that Une never stopped in his office for long as she refused to sit on the custom seats. As did Zechs and a few other people Duo couldn't stand. It was lovely familiar view in his everyday life- the sight of Heero sitting on a toilet in front of him. Only people who were his true friends would sit on his toilets.

For a long moment, Heero didn't speak as he shuffled a few papers in hand, then he threw the report onto Duo's desk.  
Duo picked it up, read the summary page, and raised an eyebrow.  
'So... the mission's been cancelled?'  
Heero grunted.  
'No. Reassigned.'  
'To who?'  
'Second page.'  
Duo ruffled the report to the second page. Standing up, he walked around his desk and then sat on the top of the papers scattered across it 'Wufei's going to be pissed.'  
Heero shrugged.  
'Sally's a good agent and has the necessary skills for the undercover role. She's not just a doctor, as you know.'  
'Yeah- but I didn't know that Sally can pole dance!'  
'She's the Preventer best instructor in the art. She runs the occasional boot training class for the top female agents. Only the best dancers are allowed to join.'  
Duo choked down a laugh.  
'Poor Wufei. I don't know how he's going to handle the pressure. He's what- security guard? Waiter? No- what? The DJ? He's going to be inside all night with her on stage.'  
'Of course. It's a dangerous mission. They both need to watch out for each other.'  
'Well I can guarantee he'll be keeping a close eye on her. But DJing? This is Wufei.'  
'Mainland Chinese R&B DJs are popular in San Franciso's elite night clubs at the moment. They'll be flying out there on first class tickets paid for by the top club there.'  
'R&B in Chinese... Ah- like DJ Liu Kang- shit, yeah. I think Hirde was singing to some song remix by him on the radio last week in the basement records room. It was fucking horrible. The tonal thing with her voice cords... and the fact she can't speak Chinese. And she was bobbing to it! You know, oddly, there was a time when the US charts was mostly all English, in the pre-Colony days, and these songs the general population could actually understand...'  
Heero snorted.  
'Isn't one of the top English song on the American charts a techno remix of an Incy-wincy spider? You were singing it yesterday. You can hardly claim the lyrics of that made any sense.'  
'It's called Invincible Incy-Wincy- the song's a national treasure. Makes me proud to be of American heritage. Americans are like Invisible- Invincible Incy Wincy!'  
Heero raised an eyebrow and looked down at Duo's crotch, before looking up again with a smirk.  
Duo's eyes narrowed.  
'Oh fuck you, Heero. Just fuck you.'  
'Don't be prickly about it.'  
'Argh!'  
'More than a shade under five inches, wasn't it?'  
'I can't believe you know- Quatre's going to die. He's the one who told you, right?'  
'No, Trowa.'  
'Screw you - you're smaller. You're partially Asian, that's why. You may be taller than me, but no way in hell you'll be bigger than me. A man's dick size is in no way related to his height.'  
Duo's eyes dropped to Heero's large hands. They were bigger than his, for sure. So what!  
'Or hands,' Duo declared.  
Heero shifted in seat and Duo's attention was caught by Heero's feet movements.  
'Or... damn, feet- what size are you now? Holy hell, those mustard fuckers must be Jordon size now. Are you sure you don't want to be a basketball player instead of Preventer, man? You're big all over!' Duo's eyes snapped back to Heero's face. 'But seriously dude, your cock can't be that big too! It'll be damn python it is. If you hissed, it'd spit a bucketful, I can't see you wearing no bra upside down around your waist to hold your ball bags.'  
Heero went red. Duo blinked. But the sight did not disappear. Heero, the most stoic and iron-faced of them all- was blushing a blooming red rose on his cheeks.  
'Unfortunately, I'm not small,' he stated quietly.  
Duo snorted. He crossed his arms and leant back against the edge of his desk. Staring down his not-very aristocratic curved nose at Heero, Duo lifted up a doubtful eyebrow.  
'Bullshit. Prove it.'  
Heero's eyes narrowed.  
'I have no need to prove anything. Do you?'  
Duo flinched.  
'Okay, got it. I'll back off. Ssh, you can sure put it out but can't take it in.'  
Heero's expression relaxed into a faint smirk.  
Duo rolled his eyes.  
'Oh fuck you, Heero. Just fuck you. Gays are happy because we've got both options, brother.'  
'Incest is against the law.'  
'Heero... I think I liked you better when you communicated in grunts.'  
Heero's smirk deepened and he got up from his seat. In two short steps, Heero had a surprised Duo pinned against his desk and Heero's massive muscular body. Six-foot was tall, but compared to Heero's nine-foot... with Heero so close that he could smell the faint fragrance of soap Heero used... What the hell was Heero doing? He looked deep into Heero's dark Prussian blue eyes with wide, questioning eyes as Heero drew even more closer. Oh sweet mother of justice who spawned 'Fei- was Heero really heading his way? Fuck no. Didn't he have Relena? Then why was... why Heero going to kiss him! Aw screw logic. That scent of Heero's was doing crazy things to his senses. And Heero's warmth. He could feel it radiate out to him. Caress his skin under his clothes. Made him fucking hot. Duo's view grew hazy as he lowered his lashes in preparation for his lips to meet Heero's own. Only to have a breath of warm air dance past his left cheek, across his neck and curved down below the back of his ear.  
'Hn... Mission brief over. Hn.' Heero grunted and pulled away.  
Duo's eyes snapped open and high colour rose up his neck as he glared at Heero smirking at him.  
'Is that better?'  
Without waiting for any answer, Heero stepped away from Duo and turned. With a neglible backward wave, Heero left Duo's messy office. Duo just stood there, staring after Heero, supporting his weak legs by holding on tight to the side of his desk as he leant on the furniture. Embarrassment, shame and anger warred in him. Along with pain. He should have known better.

'Fuck you, Heero. Just... fuck you,' he finally choked out aloud in the empty room.

Just when he thought old man Murphy couldn't shake his stick further into his hole after that morning and make everything more shittier, his day got worse. Wufei had dumped cases upon cases at him which all screamed the words - classified and urgent- and practically skipped out of the Preventers office with glee at midday to focus on preparation for his undercover case. He privately wished Sally to inflect all hell on Wufei and may the Chinese man be in for the longest nights of blue balls in his life with her strip tease. The man had to go shopping on him! Wufei was worse than any shopaholic woman.

It did occur to him many times during the war about how Wufei managed to keep his white uniform pristine and crisp, but he have never imagined in his wildest dreams that it was because Wufei had a fucking wardrobe literally the size of a house. Wufei would literally buy shirts he liked in quantity- in various colours and also many in the same colour. On second thoughts, Wufei's wardrobe was bigger than a house because Wufei did keep stockpiles of his clothes in multiple catches alongside illegally gained missile weapons and other stuff. Just like Winner, Wufei wasn't dependent on his paycheck. The womaniser fucker was filthy rich. James Bond wasn't a white guy. He was some yellow Asian dude with a fucked up name- Woofie Wuffers. Not that Duo was jealous. He wasn't calling Wufei names in the privacy of his own head because he was jealous!

So what if he was the only one depended on his paycheck? No wait, maybe he wasn't the only poor bastard around as Trowa was also... not dependent on the Preventer paycheck. Damn. Quatre had more than spent several generations worth of money on what he termed trinkets for Trowa. Not that Trowa ever cared- the silent runaway circus freak was more into twisted non-materialistic stuff like playing and with Quatre. Bastard put him off his favourite old re-run show for life after that one lunch time discussion, and caused Duo, to this day, to refuse to eat anything containing red or green food dye.

Heero, of course, was a hacker who had never quite reformed, despite what he told the lady of his life, Relena, and the other scary lady, boss Une, who frowned on his activities. Probably because she more than suspected she had been the victim of his. That's the way the cookie crumbles when you're the wrong cookie like she had been during the war. Of course, they were all at peace now after that nasty war that divided the nations in space and earth. That is, if people inhaled a bit more, more would believe that. Otherwise they wouldn't need the Preventers.

And he'd be out of his job which paid his bills.

Not that he really care much for it at the moment, due to the amount of stress it just had injected into his veins. Worse than a doping of pleasure-inducing stimulants, his heart rate and nerve tick at the side of his forehead was jumping up in anger like no tomorrow. Duo was fucking pissed. When Duo was really, really truly fucking pissed, he got really, really truly fucking pissed the royal way. L2 had its heritage from America. America has its heritage from England. Getting pissed in the delightful kingdom of the old involved the aid of strong liquid fermented brews, and Duo planned to honour his ancestors.

Of course, being a L2 bastard street urchin, in all honesty, Duo didn't even know his bloodlines.

Not like that Relena bitch.

Fuck that, he was done with doing work. Time to honour his ancestors at the nearest bar. Duo had the shits. He got off his toilet seat where he had been reviewing reports and tossed the pile onto the to-be-done tomorrow pile, somewhere on the third right seat from the tallest cabinet, then realised by the light of the window and the view of the almost empty highways that gleamed beyond the window that it was past evening and well into the night already. Duo rubbed his neck and yawned. Scratching at his crotch, he wandered out of his office room, down the hallway. He was uncaring of the cameras that were mounted everywhere even as he scratched at an itchy patch on his balls. After all, the crew that manned the cameras had been with him through the office parties thrown in the past, and due to that, they were mostly a pretty experienced and hardened team. Only a few would bolt in fear when he came their way.

He walked past various offices, turned a corner and... what the hell, Heero was in his office still?

Sure enough, the unmarked corner office door had light shining out from the slit underneath.

Now pretty much, Duo knew everything there was to know about Heero. Correction- Duo knew everything that could be physically observed about Heero. He neither understood how Heero could defy physics such as space and gravity, nor Heero's mental state- but these were things nobody understood about Heero and were afraid to. One of the things Duo had observed was that tonight was always "Heero and Relena Night". They had inked in on both their schedules- tonight was the only night they were able to mesh their schedules for an actual dinner and cuddle. Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays were busy for Relena as she had to socialise, suck up and back stab at various events whilst Heero was always preoccupied being boss lady Une's weekend warrior, taking on short, intense mission in the jungles of la la land while Duo snooze his way through lazy urban weekend mornings. Heero would generally emerge from missions on the following Monday like an action hero star with intelligence material to give the others to work on.

Although, sometimes he did arrive at the Preventers like a dragged-in Chihuahua who had tangled unsuccessfully with a cat. Sally would get that look of doctor maniacal glee on her face and Heero, that look of resigned experimental subject.

Given that Duo had seen the light- the question was- what the hell was Heero doing in the office on his date night?

Well, he'll simply ask Heero. If him and Relena had, gasp, a little spat- it was time for Duo to kick Heero while Heero was down.  
The bastard owned him for pulling that dirty trick in the morning.

His heart still fucking ached. As well as his cock.

Damn, his cock was swelling. Hm... there was a nice sensation there. Oops. He had his hand on his crotch still, that was why. Duo took the hand he had been scratching his balls with and accidentally masturbating with, and used it to open Heero's door. The door swung open to reveal Heero.

Not at his desk.

But on the ground.

Heero was laid sprayed out on the floor, face down. His toppled over body was still as rock, his arms swept outright at an unnatural ninety degree angles to his body. It was as if he was like a stone statue permanently fixated in a crucifix position.

Duo's heart jumped out of his chest.

'Heero!' he cried out in panic as he raced over. The door slammed shut behind him as he released it.  
Before he could reach Heero's body to flip Heero over- the still, prone body moved itself at lightening speed.  
'What the hell- Duo!'  
Duo had another heart attack as he skidded to a stop before Heero.  
'Heero... you're... alive!' he gasped out.  
Deep Prussian blue eyes glared at him.  
'Of course I'm alive!'  
'Then why the fuck are you doing the dead man's float on your office floor, you big dick!' Duo screamed at Heero.  
'Because I have a big dick,' Heero roared back. 'I was in the position because I was grieving for my lost relationship with Relena who ended it because she couldn't handle my size any more! She said it hurts, it hurts- having a big dick is not as fun as you think because the sex is terrible!'  
'Relena dumped you because you suck in bed!'  
'Relena dumped me because I wanted to fuck in bed, not just suck and finger play all the damn time! I want to fuck, fuck, fuck! But my dick is too big for her!'  
'So you do the dead man's float thing- why!'  
'Because I remember her that way when I'm in that position.'  
'... seriously dude, that sick. I've heard of being a dead fish in bed, but that's taking it too far. Are you sure it wasn't because you sucked?'  
Heero scowled and ran his fingers through his hair in agitation.  
'No- it's definitely the fucking side of things, she really likes the sucking and other things we...' Heero blinked, then suddenly shook his head as his scowl got darker. 'Why am I saying this to you- Duo, why the hell are you here? To kick me when I'm down?'  
'No! Of course not. Not any more. I mean... fuck.' Duo blinked back at Heero. 'Erm... yeah. It was like... the light was on. Twinkle, twinkle little star and all.'  
'Duo, you've better not have raided the drugs cabinet.'  
Duo was offended.  
'Fuck you, I don't take drugs. All I'm guilty of is wondering how my big dick of a friend was, and I get this!' Duo pointed down at the floor then held his heart. 'You laying there gave me a flippin' heart attack. I care, okay? And I'm not joking about it. I really thought you were dead there for a second.' Duo sunk to his feet and joined Heero on the floor, sitting down in a clean Indian style, unlike Heero half-upright, outward sprawled leg position. 'Look, if you want to talk man...'  
'I don't.'  
'Then fine, I'll keep you company in your brooding silence.'  
'Do what you want.'

Heero grunted and curled his knees up to his chest. He laid his head against them and closed his eyes.

The first few minutes passed in peaceful silence. Then they began to stretched. Duo began to fidget after five minutes had passed. Then he began to sing.  
'Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky...'  
Heero began banging his head lightly after the first line then stopped with a growl.  
'Duo- are you mentally retarded?'  
'Hell no, brother. I'm not the one doing an excellent impression of an autistic indulging in stereotypy.'  
'What do you want?'  
Duo sighed.  
'For you to talk to me. Really talk. About what's on your mind. I know I'm not your bestest friend, I give you too much grief- but hell, I'm still one of your best buds.'  
Heero grunted.  
'I said- talk. Not grunt.'  
'You always pass everything off as a joke. How the hell am I suppose to feel comfortable confiding in you?'  
'No I don't. Shees- I can take things seriously.'  
'Bullshit. The moment things turn serious- you always run.'  
'I'm not a fucking coward, Heero,' Duo snapped. 'I don't run from things.'  
'Yes, you are.' Heero snorted. 'Then why wear all those masks you do?'  
Duo's blood ran cold.  
'Hey Hee-man, like what the fuck are you on?'  
'There, you're doing it. See?'  
'Doing what?'  
'You get uncomfortable, so you place on your street-don't-fuck-with-me mask.'  
'Trowa's the one with circus clown mask collectables, not fucking me. His apartment is one fucking scary place. Doesn't help he's got every clown horror movie there is on his shelves, either.'  
'Yes, but you're the one with the joker mask.'  
'Why the hell are you picking at me? Hey- I'm trying to help here.'  
'In what way is it helping when you have your guards firmly up while barging past mine?'  
'Saying I'm getting to you, too?'  
'Yes.'  
'Well, fucking excuuuse me then. I'll take my leave and go when I'm actually not unwanted.' Duo made to get up.  
'No- stay.'  
A firm hand grabbed his upper arm. Duo winched.  
'Sorry,' Heero apologised.  
'What for?'  
'For grabbing you too hard.'  
'No, I mean - what for?'  
Heero ducked his head and closed his eyes.  
'Just stay. Please.'  
'I really can't tell what you're thinking, man. You have to tell me.' He twacked Heero's head with his knuckle as he sat down again. 'Heero, you really have to learn how to communicate. Just communication, baby.'  
Heero snorted and opened one eye to peer sideways at Duo.  
'You'll laugh at me.'  
'I won't.'

'I promise I won't laugh at you. Honest. Have you've ever known me to lie?'  
A long moment passed.  
'Heero- damnit. You don't have to think so fucking hard. I always tell the god damn motherfucking honest truth!'  
'Strangely enough,' Heero said slowly, 'I do agree. You have the devil's tongue.'  
'Thanks... I think.' Duo frowned, then shrugged. 'So- what the hell are you thinking about, Heero?'

'I don't think I'll ever have sex again.'

'You can close your mouth, Duo. There's no need for exaggerated, comical expressions in my professional office, thank you.'  
'Well fuck me sideways, but no office professional I know ever did a Jesus Christ impersonation the wrong side up on the floor, Hail Mary twice over.'  
'I am a Preventer's field agent with a office, not a normal office worker.'  
'Yeah, you sure ain't normal, but it ain't going to stop you from having sex in the future. Sure, Relena and you are having a fight now, but you'll get back together again and all will be right and peaceful with the world!'  
Heero placed down his knees and straightened. He turned his head towards Duo.  
'No. We're not getting back together. We've been trying for years, but the same problem keeps on rising - we're too sexually incompatible. The friction it's caused is no laughing matter. We can't do it together properly. I'm just,' he waved his hand down his large nine-foot frame, 'too big for her small frame.'  
'Other methods?'  
'Tried them all- she loves it but I don't. I just don't the same level of satisfaction.'  
'Erm... open relationship? Get off somewhere else, but keep the intimacy with one's true love?'  
'No. Both Relena and I are... were opposed to such arrangements. At least...' Heero scowled again then shook his head as if shaking bad thoughts from his mind. 'I believe she'll be far happier with Dorothy than me.'  
'What? Relena's with... Dorothy? What? When?'  
'Officially, from tonight. Unofficially- I really don't want to know.'  
There was a touch of bitterness in his voice.  
'Aw, come on Heero. Just because, well, you're single now you won't have sex ever again. You're like, what, every woman's dream. Instead of being a runt like like me, you grew up all tall, dark, handsome- Perfect.'  
Heero snorted.  
'Duo, you are not a runt, you're over six feet, well built and and quite contrary to your low self-esteem view of your penis, your penis size is well within the average range of most men. In fact, many women would consider you to be a sample of the perfect specimen. I'm over nine feet, with a large body frame to match, and most women if they are not frightened by my size, they would become positively petrified by my... well, manhood. I know this.'  
'How?'  
'When Relena and I broke up the first time-'  
'You've broken up before?'  
'Like I said, we've been... having problems. So during those periods when we broke up, initially I tried dating other people but...'  
'But what? So you had a few dates that went bad...'  
'I had more than a few dates that when smoothly up until a critical point... then they highlighted out of the bedroom. Some on the lamest of excuses. Some don't even bother to say anything but just run out. Relena said she wasn't surprised- when I met her, I was still growing, so she gradually adjusted but said she would have ran out screaming herself if she saw me as I am now the first time.'  
'What a bitch. You should try men instead of women, Heero. What a shame you're not gay, hey?'  
'The men I dated were frightened just as badly as the women were, Duo,' Heero said in disgust. 'I'd say even more so. I had one guy jump out of my old apartment, naked, and broke his leg on the next apartment's banister below. He could have used the door instead of the window.'  
'You've got to be kidding.'  
'No, I'm not. That's why I moved apartments last year.'  
'No, I meant- you've got to be kidding about the guys- since when the hell you were ever interested in guys? You're one hundred percent straight, aren't you?'  
Heero blinked at Duo.  
'No.'  
'No?'  
'No. I'm bisexual. Always been. It's not a classified secret. Why are you looking at me like that?'  
'How the hell am I suppose to look? I'm positively stunned by all of this. It's like, Christmas gone wrong. I don't believe this. Next minute- you'd be telling me that you find me hot, attractive, and would like to get into my pants if you didn't have the phobia of people running screaming from your big, enormous monster penis!'  
Heero sighed.  
'I'd admit, you're not unattractive, Duo. I'm quite sure you know this and how popular you with both sexes, even if you swing only towards your own gender.'  
'Yeah, I know I'm hot stuff with men- but not with you!'  
Heero snorted.  
'I'm not blind. I'm not completely straight. And to boot, I'm single now and have a very much unfulfilled, high sex-drive not helped by the high levels of testosterone in my blood due to the production capacity of my extra large balls. Adding to the intoxicating effect, I am very much aware we're both in an enclosed, isolated and private office space at night. In short, I want to jump you. Here and now.'  
Duo's mouth dried.  
Yes! Take me, his mind, heart and body screamed. Unfortunately, his silent cries didn't translate to action before Heero continued on with his monotone confession.  
'But I value your friendship, Duo. I don't ever want to see you uncomfortable with me, so rest assured I won't ever approach you in that way. If I am to have sex, I will have solo sex with myself. Safely alone so I will not harm others. I have realised I was selfish to have considered my sexual needs above the well being of others.'  
Oh god, he was going to cry. This was just so wrong.  
Heero smiled at him. One of his beautiful, blinding beautiful rare smiles.  
'Thanks for hearing me out. I appreciated it.'  
Then his expression of warmth suddenly changed to one of confusion and worry.  
'Duo... Duo? What's wrong?'  
'Er, what? What could be wrong?'  
'I don't know. But something is. You've... tears in your eyes. Duo... tell me? Let me help you, too.'  
Aw hell. He was not going to leak like a boat with a hole in the hull. He blinked back his tears and gave Heero a watery, wide eye look.  
'I'm just a person who suffers from a case of extreme, irrational penis envy, Heero,' he hiccupped, sadly. 'I'm afraid I'm beyond help.'  
'Damn- I should have remembered. I'm sorry. There must be something I can do for you!'  
'Perhaps... you could please... show me yours?' Due said hopefully. He'd take what he could get. Even if it was just a memory.  
Heero frowned.  
'Duo... how would that help you?'  
'It'll stop me from imagining.'  
Duo scooted a little closer to Heero.  
'Please,' he breathed out. 'It'll help me know for sure... instead of dreaming about how your penis is.'  
A slight flush appeared on Heero's cheeks as he averted his eyes.  
'... fine.'  
With somewhat fumbling fingers, Heero undid the top button of his trousers and unzipped. The dick he pulled out was a fucking python. No. It was a fucking Asian dragon, mystical in size.  
Duo's eyes widened and he stared, enraptured by the beauty.  
'What's your heritage? Do all Asians have this?'  
'I'm partially Japanese- and Russian.  
Duo couldn't tear his eyes away.  
'Please... Heero... can I touch it?' he begged.  
'What!'  
Before Heero could object, Duo had his hands caressing the sleeping specimen, awakening it to half mast rapidly.  
'Heero, you're so damn beautiful! I can't believe how beautiful you are!' Duo exclaimed as he brought his face up close to examine Heero's manhood.  
There was a hitch in Heero's breathing.  
'You think I'm beautiful?' asked Heero in shock. 'You're not afraid of me?'  
'I'm in fucking love with you! Do you have a name for it?'  
'No.'  
Duo stroked it leisurely.  
'We've got to give it a name, Heero. You seriously never named it? Even the other guys have named theirs.'  
''You're joking.'  
'No, I'm not. Wufei calls his Shenlong, Trowa calls his Heavyarms... no, wait- Quatre only named his balls- Sandrocks. At least, that was what he claimed but the smirk on Trowa's face did make me wonder if Quatre's dick did actually have a name.'  
'You are joking- those were our Gundam code names.'  
'Yeah, we know. We wondered what you called yours, but you never said- but then again, it'd be weird to name any of your front bits Wing. Do you name your rear end, that?'  
Heero growled, then it trailed off into a moan as Duo cupped his balls with one hand and firmly tugged at Heero's base experimentally as he did so.  
'How about I name it? Poor thing can do a lot better than anonymous, you know.'  
'Duo, get your face out of my crotch. You're making me horny. I think you've observed my penis long enough!'  
'Nah-uh- it ain't long enough for me yet. I want to see it in its full glory- I want to see how big you really are. Come on... Rifle, come out and play with lil' Shini...' Duo breathed over Heero's twitching penis as he firmly massaged it.  
Heero hissed.  
'Damnit Duo- if you keep on doing that, I'll fucking come over you in loads!' Heero reached out and grabbed Duo's shoulders to stop Duo playing with his penis.  
Duo looked up at Heero from his bent over position.  
'You're welcome to, if you like.'  
Heero looked at him searchingly.  
'Duo...'  
'I'm serious, Heero. I want to give you a blow job.'  
Heero's pressing grip weakened as the brown hair man looked down at Duo.  
Duo licked his lips nervously.  
'A real, good blow job - and maybe... more?'  
'Oh... hell, Duo- you don't know what you're asking. I don't want to lose you.'  
'Think I'm already lost 'Ro, to you. Don't think it'll get any worst, so hey- let's have sex and make the best of things by being fuck buddies?'  
'Duo...'  
Duo saw Heero's jaw worked.  
'I don't want a relationship with you if I'm just on the rebound, you know.'  
Duo smiled tightly.  
'Yeah, I know. Neither do I. So let's try fucking first, shall we?'  
'I'll hurt you, Duo.'  
'You already have.'  
Heero flinched.

'But don't worry about it, Heero. I like big dicks and I cannot lie.'

With that, Duo placed his mouth on Heero and proceeded to suck. Tellingly, Heero's hands swept up across his neck and made their way into his hair as Heero quietly gripped Duo's head and began thrusting his groin at Duo's welcoming mouth. Later, Duo came to a discovery Heero kept a whole cabinet drawer filled with lubricants of all kinds in his professional, well-stocked office and more sobering, Heero wasn't exaggerating about the pain. But the pain was definitely worth the pleasure, in Duo's opinion.

**_Weeks Later..._**

Sally watched with a smirk as Wufei stormed ahead of her. He was matching towards his office, while she about to turn back to go to the medical wing. However, she caught sight of a familiar braided agent before she turned.  
'Hi Duo!' she called out. 'We're back now.'  
'Hey Sal! Hiya 'Fei- welcome back.  
'Take care of Wufei for me now, darling. He's a little upset and cranky nowadays because of stress.'  
'You! Of all people! I can't believe it.' Wufei suddenly shouted out at Duo and jabbed his finger at Duo.  
Duo blinked.  
'I can't believe I'm sensing this off you. This is an injustice!'  
Uh-oh. Like Quatre could be at times, Sally was well aware Wufei had some talents at "sensing" occasional things.  
'You're having regular sex! I can tell by your wide smirk!'  
Wufei's sense of women's intrusion was amazing, considering that he had not been brought up with the many sisters Quatre had. Sally thought it was more of a raw natural inborn talent than one keenly honed like Quatre's.  
'How dare you have regular sex while I suffer!'  
Sally nearly rolled her eyes at that. It wasn't her fault that he failed to see the light of ethical mixing during the mission. Heavens, she had made herself plenty available enough. Alas, she knew, even if he didn't, sooner or later, he would give in and she would have her prey. Likely, soon because Wufei was practically near a hormonal breakdown. Frankly, she didn't get why he was determined to marry a full-blooded Asian bride. The original ancient journals detailing the old beliefs which the L5 colony had been steeped in, in care of a hidden temple culture on mainland China, actually stipulated a bride of yang heritage as a key for eternal happiness for groom of yin heritage in a marriage. It was just that it appeared whatever copies that were transcribed and brought to the L5 colony apparently had a few character errors. Unfortunately, Wufei had refused her offers to accompany him to the hidden temples because of suspicion she had seduction on her mind. That she did, but she would have waited until he saw the real transcript and felt comfortable with taking the step with her. She wouldn't rape him. Sally was a honourable woman, abide, a horny one.  
She cupped her hands to her lips and called out to Duo.  
'Duo- watch out. He hasn't gotten any for the last four weeks we've been gone so he's gone completely insane.'  
'Yaah- fuck I can tell that now. Wufei, your kick almost got me in the nuts and I need those. Damnit- fuck, fuck, fuck! I've forgotten how much of a psycho Bruce Lee you can be when you get on a high, ow! Ow! Ooww!'  
'Injustice! Unfair! Fight like a man!'  
'Hey, Tro'- you fight him. He's gone crazy from being around Sally all the time and denying himself. Help!'  
A thud was heard.  
'Say, don't you think that was plain wrong, coming up from behind like that?'  
'Knocked out is knocked out- Sally, I'll help bring him down to your rooms?'  
Sally sighed and went to pick up her man. She hefted the unconscious Chinese onto her shoulders in a fire man's lift.  
'Don't worry, I'll take him down.'  
Sally took the elevator down, and stepped out towards her room in the medical wing. She heard a giggle as stepped in and saw Iria, her colleague, step hastily away from a large, giant man- Rashid, one of her brother Quatre's bodyguards.  
'Oh, it's you,' Iria smiled. 'Welcome back.'  
'Iria- we better have a clean bed somewhere you two haven't used.'  
'Of course, we made sure to never use that one in the corner.'  
'Yes, but I can see by the state of the other beds, you've recently made good use of the other beds in here.'  
Iria sighed guiltily.  
'Sorry Sally. It's just that...'  
'I know, I know. You don't have to say it.'  
'It's just that when Rashid says-' Iria looked with loving eyes at the big, bearded man.  
'I'd love to see your camel toe', Rashid murmured in his deep baritone to Iria.  
'..ooh, I just can't help myself. Oh, Rashid!'  
Sally swore softly to herself as she tucked in her sleeping, unconscious Wufei.  
'Too much information,' Sally muttered to Wufei. 'This really has to end. Although... all this love in the air is sweet.'

In the background, Sally then heard Rashid whispered with heated need in Iria's ears_;_ 'Show me your camel toe, Iria. I really want to see your camel toe'.

'...I think I am going to be sick.'

_Fin._

**_DSA_**


End file.
